Mindful Communication: Dig For The Deep Whys
The courageous practice of ruthlesss self-examination of your deepest Whys — your deepest motivations for everything you do — will change your life possibly more than anything else you can do.
Digging Deep for the Whys
I’ve begun to look at The Why behind everything I do or say, both in person and online. As much as I can, every response, initiated conversation, post, comment, and “like” gets run through the filter of Why:
- Why am I doing or saying what I feel the urge to do or say?
- What do I expect to have happen?
- How do I want to feel?
- How do I want other people to feel?
All those questions are part of my Why. After the Why comes further filters. More on those in a bit.
Dark Underbelly = Not Pretty?
I made some discoveries. Some of them are not pretty. I don’t even want to tell you about them, but I will. Sometimes I want to appear important, or smart, or funny. Sometimes I want to feel better about myself than I do. Sometimes I want to join in, to feel part of something. And sometimes I just want to give a gift to someone, to love them.
It’s not been easy to stop and hear my Whys. I’ve operated on default responses for a long time. I’ve resisted my Whys, especially the not-pretty ones. I come from a long line of image maintainers, and I became super attached to the image I wanted to project. It’s been hard not to judge myself for saying or doing things that maintain my wanted image of kind, loving, and smart. While part of me IS kind, loving, and smart, I believe that I can only truly be kind, loving and smart if my beingness comes from a true place inside me, not from a veneer of trying to appear kind, loving, and smart.
When you evaluate everything you do through your Why, you’ll discover a lot about yourself.
Going Deeper To Find Truth
I found that Whys have levels. There’s a surface Why. That’s the one waving at me when I start to dig. It wants to be found. Know why? Because the surface Why agreed with a deeper Why to get me off the scent and keep me from getting to the Real Stuff below it. So I have to be smarter than my Whys. I have to dig deeper.
When I dig deeper I find the not-pretty Whys. And then, sometimes, there are tears. Tears are a sign of truth. Finding the Deep Whys frees up energy, though. Even the not-pretty ones. After all, who is judging me hardest? Yep. Me. So if I accept the not-pretty Deep Whys, I actually feel better. Ha.
What To Do With The Why (After The Tears)
After I dig in and listen to my Why, I have choices. That’s where filters come in. My go-to filter-mantra right now is, “I am an embodiment of Love.” To me this means I choose to express Love in its highest form. Not to appear loving, but to BE love.
I choose now (as much as I can) to align all that I do or say with what Being Love means to me: clear communication, owning my truths, being vulnerable and authentic, and truly caring about the other person’s experience. Not in a people-pleasing way, but in a way that’s as present as I can be to their experience while maintaining my integrity. Ha. Tricky. that one.
Finding the Deep Whys frees up energy. Even your Not-Pretty Deeps Whys.
More Choices = Where To Go From Here
From here I have choices:
- proceed with my urge to do or say, squelching the voices that yell, “Not pretty!”
- stop and do nothing, being silent like a ninja
- stop and revisit the urge later (e.g. when I feel less sucky)
- rephrase and run what I want to do or say through the Love filter again until it feels right
This process hasn’t been easy. I got really good at automatic responses and disconnecting from my Why. So I make a lot of mistakes. More often than not, I catch myself after the fact and realize I’ve done-or-said something again without examining the Why underneath it. But this process feels very right. I know I’m on the path to something good.
The Deep Why practice probably comes naturally to a lot of people. It’s hard not to judge myself for not having done it all these years, but I’m super excited to be on this road now. I think it has a lot to do with aligning with my bigness, and I’m curious as all heck to see where it will lead.
The Whys of This Post:
- celebrate something I thought I couldn’t do
- accountability by stating my intentions publicly
- pat on the back (pleaseandthankyou)
- vulnerability about my not-pretties
- get insight from peeps also traveling this road
- change my communication habits
- share my process to help others
I promise you will find gifts when you dig deep for your Whys. Even if at first those gifts don’t look pretty.
Gifts and Good Stuff From The Deep Digging of Whys:
- stronger, more palpable connection to Self and your magnificent essence
- better, clearer communication with people, especially close loved ones
- better understanding of your motivations
- self acceptance FTW!
- more energy flow (from no longer hiding your not-pretty Deep Whys)
- your heart will soften, melt, open….
How To Dig Up Your Deep Whys:
- notice you have an urge to do or say something
- stop! be silent like the ninja
- breathe, and feel in (is your body tense or relaxed?)
- ask yourself Why…
- keep asking (don’t accept the first answer unless you get the Signs Of Truth below)
- go deeper and keep asking
- stop when you get your Sign of Truth
- your body relaxes
- you feel an inner AHA
- there are tears
There. You did it. THAT’S your Why. (Happy dance!)
One big reward for all your diggiung is greater connection — yay!
What’s Next After Why — Choices
Decide on a filter. Mine is about Being Love, but your selection criteria could look very different. What is important to you in your communication with the rest of the world? Feel in and choose. Then, using your choice as a filter, run your Why through it and see if it still holds up. From there, you can:
- proceed anyway, knowing there are consequences
- stop and be silent — do you really need to say that?
- stop and revisit the urge later
- rephrase and run it back through your filter until it feels right
This practice requires courage. You will make mistakes. It’s okay. Be kind to yourself — you’re learning something new. Your heart is opening and becoming softer. Don’t you feel sparklier now?