I'm posting this to give you insight as to who I am and how I relate in the world. Reading my thoughts here may help you to know whether I am a person you wish to work with or not.

 

I’ve been thinking lately about racism.

 

First, let me say up front that I know that as a white person I’m not qualified to talk about the experiences of people of color. And that’s part of my overall point.

 

Recently I saw a question posed elsewhere on social media: “As a white person, would you say you are not racist?” If I can accurately assess a social media user solely by their profile photo, I’d say the question-asker was Black (I think this matters in the context of the type of responses they got).

 

Most of the comments to this post were (presumably) white people saying no, they’re not racist. To be honest, I wanted to think the same thing of myself. 

 

But I would have been inaccurate.

 

I think I am racist, and I hate it. I think all white people are, to some degree. 

 

(Stay with me here.)

 

I think racism exists on a spectrum — some blatant and overt, some much less so — but I think *all* white people are on that spectrum.

 

It’s been engrained in us for generations. This is not the same thing as saying “it’s not our fault”. 

 

I sing to my cats. I make up silly songs about them to the tunes of various songs that dwell in my brain and I sing these songs to my cats. These are often tunes I’ve known since childhood, because they’ve been there the longest and are easiest to access.

 

So imagine my chagrin when I notice I’m making up a cat-song to the tune of “Camptown Races”. Or “Oh! Susanna”. I know these songs are racist. And they’re still a part of my brain and my past from when I learned them.

 

This is my way of saying that racism is so engrained and embedded in the culture that influenced me and probably most white Americans (and likely white people all over the world, with the white-European-centrism that has existed for centuries) that it takes consistent effort and a desire to acknowledge rampant, pervasive racism and the privilege it accords to make change.

 

I have to face and acknowledge this ugliness within me in order to change it.

 

I don’t want to be racist. I think many, hopefully most, of us don’t. I know that some people think it’s okay to be racist, but I want to face this in myself and change it. So I read up on ways I’m likely to be unconsciously racist. I learn new things all the time, and do my best to incorporate them into my thoughts and behaviors.

 

But the thing is, it’s pervasive, insidious. Institutional.

 

It’s been educational living in a place where, judging by my appearance, I am now the “other”. I’m an obvious foreigner here in Mexico. I can’t change that. My skin is very white and my features are Northern European. I will likely never be mistaken for a Mexican (even though many Mexicans have a light skin tone like mine, and I’ve learned not to presume where a person I encounter here might be from based on their appearance).

 

And, while on the whole people here are overwhelmingly cordial, welcoming, and friendly, every once in a while I feel someone treating me a little differently than I observe them treating others. It’s subtle, but I wonder if this isn’t in some way similar to what many brown and black people living in the USA might experience at times (not to suggest that I’m in any way comparing my lived experience as a white foreigner in Mexico to that of a person of color in the USA, merely to suggest that in this small way I think I can better imagine the lived experiences of people of color in the USA).

 

We must, as individuals, do better. We must, together, do better. I believe we will, but the wheels of change on this magnitude turn slowly.

 

Meanwhile, I shall continue to endeavor to learn further ways in which I’ve been racist, especially the insidious underground unconscious ways, and then strive to change my thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors accordingly. 

 

To be honest, I think this will be a lifelong endeavor. I don’t think I will ever fully shed all the racism embedded within me, but I will keep  learning and keep trying to be and do better.

 

I’m editing this to add more that I think needs to be said:

 

I probably said some wrong things in this post. In fact, I’m almost sure I did, even though I tried to implement all I’ve learned so far. And I’m still learning, I know that.

 

But “I’m still learning” doesn’t excuse me from it. There is no excuse for racism.

 

There can only be understanding, and using that understanding to change one’s thoughts and actions. None of that in any way mitigates the harm it causes.

 

I’m sure I’ve caused harm, whether I meant to or not. Harm is harm no matter the intent.

 

And I need no one’s grace but my own in this. I can allow myself grace ONLY because I’m continuing to work to learn and do better.